


Sex and Candy

by inlaterdays



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 11:41:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2506496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlaterdays/pseuds/inlaterdays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the 2008 badficathon on LJ. Despite the title, contains no candy. Does, however, contain a very unsexy sex scene.</p>
<p><b>PROMPT:</b><br/><b>recognizable genre/situation/cliche:</b> SMUT!<br/><b>up to four things you must include:</b> 'Fox' and 'Dana', Mulder's dick being 'hard enough to cut glass', Scully's hair smelling like strawberries, completely illogical punctuation and capitalisation!<br/><b>characters to include:</b> Mulder, Scully</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex and Candy

One day, Mulder decided to surprise Scully by bringing her a delicious frozen dessert treat. The door to his basement office was open, which was a good thing because his hands were full. Scully was sitting at his desk, looking at something on the computer.

“Who’s that lounging in my chair,” Mulder sang.

“I was looking at something on the computer,” Scully explained. “I had to sit here because I STILL DON’T HAVE A DESK HINT HINT.”

“Who’s that casting devious stares in my direction,” Mulder continued singing.

Scully’s beautiful porcelain features took on a Pained Expression. “Mulder, if you continue to sing Pop Hits of the 90s I’m going to get earplugs,” she said.

Mulder pouted. Adorably. “Is that any way to talk to your partner who just brought you a delicious frozen dessert treat to celebrate the case we just successfully finished but which doesn’t come into this fic at all?” he asked.

“How on earth did you manage to get those down here to the basement without them melting all over??” asked Scully.

“I don’t know!!” Mulder said. “Maybe it’s an X-File! Or really bad writing!!” 

Suddenly Scully noticed how beautiful his hazel eyes were when he used double punctuation. He looked like an excited puppy. If puppies had beautiful hazel eyes and could talk.

“What did you get?” she asked, telling herself to be professional because this was After All Her Partner! Why was she thinking about his Eyes and Lips and Punctuation!!

“Tofutti Rice Dreamsicle for you, strawberry ice cream cone for me,” Mulder said.

“Thank you!” said Scully, politely.

As Mulder leaned over to give Scully her delicious frozen dessert treat, his ice-cream cone, which had not dripped until now, suddenly started dripping!!!

“Mulder, you’re getting me all sticky,” Scully protested.

“Scully,” Mulder breathed, “your hair smells like strawberries!”

“That’s because you spilled strawberry ice cream in it,” Scully explained to him. Why did she always have to be the logical one.

But Mulder’s beautiful hazel eyes had taken on a hazy expression. They were now hazy hazel. His partner was absolutely beautiful! Why had he never noticed until now how shiny and soft her hair was, how perfect and creamy her skin, how moist and kissable her lips!! Why was he thinking these thoughts because she was After All His Partner!

“WHAT ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE FOR?” Scully yelled reasonably. “You are getting ice cream all over me!”

“It looks beautiful on you,” said Mulder.

“Mulder, have you been drugged again?” He was always doing that. Getting drugged. Or getting brain-wiped. It was all part of the Hazards of the Job. 

“Only by your beauty,” Mulder breathed.

“What did you say?”

“I said I’ll get a napkin,” said Mulder, not moving.

Scully waited.

“Mulder, you’re still dripping on me,” she said.

Suddenly, Mulder flung the two delicious frozen dessert treats into the trash with one graceful, fluid movement, which showed off the manly musculature of his body under his well-tailored Armani suit. He flung one arm over his eyes as if infinitely distressed.

“I am the architect of my discontent!” he declaimed. “Also, four points for the delicious frozen dessert treat throwing. Nothing but net.”

You could tell he was good at basketball.

“What are you talking about?” Scully said.

“Basketball,” Mulder said. “You get two points when – “

“No, I know, “Scully said. “I mean the other stuff.”

“Oh, the architect of my discontent stuff?”

“Yeah, that.”

“I mean,” said Mulder, leaning in so close he could see the pulse quicken in her delicate throat, “I mean – oh Dana, Dana, why have I not realized until now how beautiful you are! I have been blind! I think I am in love with you And You My Partner!”

“Oh Fox!” said Scully “I feel the same! But it sounds weird when I call you Fox and you call me Dana.”

“It does,” Mulder agreed. “What if I call you Fox and you call me Dana?”

“Oh Dana!” said Scully.

“Oh Fox!” said Mulder.

“Do you want to have sex now,” said Scully, who was always the practical one.

“Yes please,” said Mulder, who was always polite. “There are prophylactics in my bottom drawer.”

“I know,” said Scully.

“Dana! I mean Fox! Have you been spying on me!” cried Mulder.

“No, Fox – I mean Dana – I was looking for a pen the other day.”

“Oh.”

“Found them!”

“Good.”

Suddenly, Mulder could contain himself no longer. He ripped off his jacket, threw off his hideous tie, and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his dress shirt which was clean and well-pressed and had no pit stains. Because he was perfect and used an excellent dry-cleaning service.

He leaned over and delicately yet hungrily licked the ice cream from one of Scully’s beautifully-sculpted collarbones.

“Oh,” she breathed, “Oh yes, Dana, yes!”

Mulder’s licking turned into kissing which turned Smoldering. Scully ran her hands through his hair, marveling at how soft it was even though he sometimes looked like a hedgehog. An adorable hedgehog.

“Oh Fox!” Mulder said. “You’re so tiny, you fit Perfectly In My Arms.” He hoisted her up onto his desk and roughly pushed all the paperwork onto the floor. He didn’t push the computer because that would have been an Electrical Hazard.

“Oh!” said Scully, feeling the Enormous Bulge in His Well-Pressed Trousers start to push up against her womanhood. “Should we undress the rest of the way?”

“Yes I think that would be a good idea,” agreed Mulder. She was so smart, he thought admiringly.

So they did.

Scully stood shyly with her hands covering her Pert Springing Breasts with their Rosebud Nipples. She was about to have sex with Fox Mulder!

To Mulder, she looked perfect in every way, like a Tiny Marble Goddess with ice cream spilled on her. He was about to have sex with Dana Scully!

“Do you want to put it on,” he asked.

“Yes okay,” she agreed.

They were FBI Agents and it would have been irresponsible to have unsafe sex. Especially when they were doing it in the office in the middle of the workday. That is why they used a condom.

Scully bit her lip while rolling the prophylactic over Mulder’s enormous manhood. He was so big she was worried she would not be able to contain him. And he was so hard – hard enough to cut glass!! Also throbbing. He was throbbing too.

Finally it was done and Mulder gently pushed Scully down on the desk. “Tell me if I’m hurting you,” he said softly.

“Okay,” she agreed, thinking only how lovely it was to have his chest hair tickling her.

It hurt a little at first but she didn’t say Stop. And then he was In!

“Oh God,” said Mulder.

“Oh yes,” said Scully.

He began to thrust slowly at first then faster and faster until she felt he would Pierce Her Soul!! Scully cried out as she climaxed and then Mulder finished, yelling her name, her real name, not his, because he forgot in the heat of passion.

“I love you,” said Mulder, smiling lazily at her. “That was the Best Ever!!”

“I love you too,” said Scully. “I Know, Right?? It Was!!”

Then they got dressed.

“Mulder,” said Scully in a tiny voice.

“Yes Scully?” asked Mulder softly.

“I still need a napkin to get the ice cream out of my hair.”

“I’ll get it,” Mulder said.

As he went to go to the cafeteria to get a napkin, he thought that he was the luckiest man in the world to have Scully for a partner and now a Lover. She always thought of everything.

THE END.


End file.
